Hidan's Diary
by MistyxKisame
Summary: Bored out of his mind, Kakuzu takes a look through his partner's things and discovers a diary. Oooh! Too bad he ends up finding out more things than he needed to have known about his partner. Also, no KakuHida around here...nope. Not here at all...well maybe just a tiny bit, but not really. WARNING: Contains yaoi (boyxboy) just like "Zetsu's Diary". Don't like, don't read!


"Damn it, Hidan, aren't you done yet?" Kakuzu was annoyed that his partner was taking his time sacrificing yet another person to Jashin. They were supposed to be heading off into the next town, by of course Jashin needed for some dumb people to die…AGAIN.

"Shut up, fuck face!" Hidan growled as he stabbed his victim. "I'm not done yet! I have…3…4…5…6…like 10 more to go!"

"So that means we're going to be here for a long time." Sighing, the older man walked over to where their things were. "I might as well make myself comfortable, because we're going to here for a long time."

"WELL KEEP QUIET THEN, SHIT HEAD!" screamed priest. "I'M BUSY!"

"Whatever." Bored, the miser decided to rummage through Hidan's things. He was that bored. For someone who was always obsessed with his god, Jashin, he sure had other things of interesting things to go through. This man, who always seemed to be the most anti-gay man alive, had a playgirl magazine in his inside pocket.

'What the fuck?' Kakuzu turned the pages, a little more than disgusted. 'When did Hidan start approving of this?'

**FLASH BACK**

_"Damn it, can't we kill them already?" Hidan asked frustrated. _

_"Well if you haven't noticed Hidan, they're having sex." Kakuzu rubbed his forehead. _

_"I know that!" The albino glared at the gay couple passionately making love in the bedroom. "I'm fucking tired, asshole! I just wanna get this over with and…"_

_"Shut your mouth, Hidan." He covered his partner's mouth. "They'll hear you. We'll kill them AFTER their done."_

_"You like this, don't you, you sick fuck?" Hidan smirked._

_"What? Hell no…it's not polite to…well it's like…" the miser turned bright red. He wasn't sure to how explain to Hidan that it made him uncomfortable killing two people going at it. "Look, maybe they'll be done in a minute, so just shut up."_

_"Ha! So you do like it? No wonder we're in a fucking tree! I bet you do this all the fuckin' time. Typical thing for an old atheist asshole to do. Too bad you're not a saint like me." Hidan smirked as he kissed his Jashinst amulet. "Otherwise you wouldn't need this shit."_

_"A saint, don't make me laugh. You're about as saintly as the massive shit you forgot to flush this morning!"_

_"That was you and you know it!" Hidan pushed the miser. "Anyway, it's a sin to be…you know…"_

_"Gay?" Kakuzu rolled his eyes. "If anyone's gay, it you."_

_"WHAT?! I AM NOT GAY!"_

_"Then how come I've never seen you fuck anyone before or how about that time that lady with the big tits offered to give you fellatio and you said, 'I don't go that way, whore.' What about that?"_

_The priest turned red. "I don't fuck whores and you know that asshole. It's a sin to have sex with the dirty."_

_"I was messing with you, asshole. No need to get all defensive."_

**2nd FB**

_"Oh yes…keep going…mm…oh yeah!" _

_"Oh Jashin-sama, why the fuck do we keep seeing these gay bastards everywhere!?" Hidan was trying his best not to stab the shit out of the lesbian couple on the nudist beach they were forced to go to._

_"I don't know, but…HIDAN GET DOWN! OUR TARGET IS GOING TO SEE US!" Kakuzu tried to use his threads to tie the priest down, but the man was amazingly faster._

_"DIE YOU HOMOSEXUAL HEATHENS! REPENT MOTHERFUCKERS!" Hidan yelled as he repeatedly stabbed one of the lesbians._

_"HI-oh fuck it." Kakuzu ran out of the bushes towards the albino._

_"SABRINA! NOOOOO!" The young girl looked up at the priest, who was now getting ready to perform his Jashinist ritual, with the angriest look on her face. "You bastard!"_

_The naked lesbian took a dildo and stabbed Hidan's eye with it. The priest fell down into Kakuzu's arms gripping the thing. "YOU STUPID WHORE! YOU RUINED MY…"_

_"SHUT IT HIDAN! OUR TARGET IS GETTING AWAY!"_

_"I DON'T CARE! THIS BITCH JUST STABBED ME!" Hidan torn himself away and girl the girl by the hair and repeatedly shoved the end of his scythe inside her. "THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING GAY!"_

**END FLASHBACK**

"Nah, maybe somebody just snuck it there." The miser just shrugged it off and continued to look through his partner's cloak. 'Hm, a diary…I wonder…'

**_Dear Diary: Mom's bitching again. Why the fuck does she want me to leave house so bad? "Go get married, so you can have some children, Hidan!" "Go get me grandkids!" "WHY YOU NO GIVE ME GRANDKIDS?!" "You ain't goin' to give me any grandchildren of your butt is in the house all day!" and all dad says is "Hm-hm." and farts…Dad doesn't give a fuck about me giving him grandchildren as much as mom. When he does, he's like…_**

**_"Hidan…just go give your mother a grandkid so she can stop nagging."_**

**_Then mom says, "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY!?"_**

**_Then dad just grunts like a pig and rolls on the floor like a dog, gets back on the couch, farts, and sleeps. Maybe I should just give them some grandchildren to shut them the fuck up. _**

**_Dear Diary: My mother just tried to set me up with some ugly ass bitch today. Why the hell can't she let me do stuff on my own thing and meet the right person? I'm only, like, 20. Anyway, she was just some ugly bitch that acted like she was the shit and too good for me. I ended up sending her flying out of the window. Mom starting crying, so I felt bad…that she had a poor choice in future wives for her only son._**

**_Anyway, after getting rid of the bitch, I sat on the couch with dad, watched some TV, and fell asleep. Best. Day. Ever._**

**_Dear Diary: I think I should probably flat out tell my mom that I'm not interested in women._**

'Well fuck me in the ass, he is gay.'

**_I'd rather have husband than a wife. I guess before I get married I should get some boobs or something. I've already told dad about my decision to become a wife and he was okay with it, but then again what isn't he okay with? The only time I've seen my dad get upset about _****_something _****_is when mom said that she didn't want me to be a ninja and get myself hurt. Dad was like an ape-man that day. He got up and raged forever about how my mom was stupid and that the shinobi tradition in our family would never die out._**

**_Anyway, I know mom's gonna have a fit, tie me down, stick a girl on my dick, and force me to have a child by the unfortunate bitch. I wish dad wasn't such a lazy old man otherwise he could get mom to set me up with a man instead of those asshole women she keeps bringing home. I mean I can still be a man and a wife and a mother at the same time because I have a dick and a vagina._**

'Holy shit! Hidan's a transvestite?' Kakuzu gasped in horror. 'Hm…no wonder he acts bitchier than usual sometimes. He's on his fucking period.'

**_I know it's kind of a shock, but it's true. I was born with both and they're fully functional. I even get my period sometimes. Being born with both sucks, but it does have its uses. I get double the pleasure when I masturbate…_**

'Too much information!' Kakuzu winced as he tried to find a place where Hidan wasn't describing how good it felt to finger himself and other sexual information, but he had no such luck. This was a diary after all, so the priest could describe what he did what did to pleasure himself all he wanted.

After about 6 diary entries, the miser found one that didn't give him a heart attack.

**_Dear Diary: I feel so fresh and clean. Dad and I went to a hot spring today and took a soak. It really got into places I didn't know had places. It felt so good I needed to touch myself._**

"SHIT!"

"What?!" Hidan turned to his partner.

"N-nothing Hidan."

**_I've always fantasized about how someone would just fuck me in the hot springs or at least finger both of my holes, but then I had the thought that my dad was in the same spring with me…_**

"OH GOD NO! OH FUCK NO!" Kakuzu threw the diary down.

"OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE! FINE LET'S GO THEN! I'M FUCKING DONE ANYWAY, YOU OLD WHINY BABY!" Hidan sighed as he started coming over to his partner. "Geez, you're acting like you never me kill somebody like that before! Jashin, did you forget your heart medication?"

Kakuzu didn't answer the Jashinist as he came over and put on his cloak. He was still in shock over what he was beginning to read. After Hidan put on his cloak, he stared that Kakuzu who was looking at him in a funny way.

"Come on, asshole! I don't got all day!" Hidan growled.

"W-what? Oh yeah…right…" the miser got up, forgetting to hide the diary and dropping it.

"Huh? What's that?" Hidan pointed at something behind him.

"What?" Kakuzu looked and saw the book on the ground and quickly picked it up. "Oh...uh…it's my account book!"

Even if it was pink, he couldn't let the priest know it was his diary.

"Hm…haha…HAHAHAHAHA!" Hidan burst out laughing. "Nice color, gaywad!"

"Y-yeah…look it was the last one."

"I'll bet it was!" Hidan giggled. "Too bad they ran out of the kitten kind, eh, fuckface?"

As much as he wanted to strangle the priest and wipe that grin off his face with telling him that it was his diary and not an account book, he couldn't. It wasn't that he was afraid that he would hurt the man's feelings (it was far from that, trust me), it was that Hidan was one dangerous motherfucker when it came to revenge.

**FLASH BACK**

**_"HEY! WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCKIN' HELL HAPPENED TO MY STRAWBERRIES?!" Hidan slammed the refrigerator door._**

**_"Me, you mad bro?" Deidara yawned._**

**_"Y-YOU ASSHOLE! I SENT $50 ON THAT SHIT!"_**

**_"$50? Man, they weren't worth it. They tasted like ass."_**

**_"You piece of shit! You hate strawberries! Why did you eat them?!" _**

**_"'cuz I was hungry."_**

**_"You…you little…AAAAAGH!" Hidan ran out of the room._**

**_2 hours later_**

**_"Deidara, stop locking the door. I know you want privacy when you change, but you've been in there for an hour, so open up already." Sasori was getting mighty impatient with his blonde partner. He had been inside the room for an hour with the door locked._**

**_"AND THAT'LL TEACH YOU ABOUT FUCKING AROUND WITH SHIT THAT AIN'T YOUR'S!" Hidan yelled into the room before shutting it and running into Sasori. "Get out of the way, asshole."_**

**_"Why are you covered with…" Sasori smelled Hidan. "Strawberries?"_**

**_"I just torn your partner a new asshole and shoved some strawberries up his…everywhere. Leave him in there for a day and come back later."_**

**_"Uh…" Sasori peeked into the room and then stayed in Pein's room under his bed for the next two weeks._**

**END Flash Back**

"Never again." Kakuzu shuddered. He remembered having to see the damage Hidan did and having to stitch the mentally scarred blonde. He wasn't really sure the albino could take him, but he didn't really wanna try him.

* * *

And that's the first part of Hidan's Diary. BTW if you're looking for some KakuHida action…HAHAHAHA! Nope.


End file.
